My weight loss journey a/k/a "Shame and the 17 inch reining saddle"

Well, this week marks the one year anniversary of my weight loss adventure.  I lost 2 toddlers in 9 months (well, not literally, of course, but the weight of 2…ok nevermind – bad analogy)… I lost SEVENTY POUNDS.  I’ve waited months to write this “anniversary” post…and during those months, I unfortunately found a few of the pounds I lost.  But, that’s ok.  For the most part, I’m in check and holding fairly steady.  And, I’ve promised myself to never go back to “that place” again.  So, I went back on my “healthy lifestyle” this week.  Jared is joining me this time (he’s three days in and I think he’s sprouting horns, but I’ll feed him carbs tomorrow and he’ll be happier).    

I’d lost weight for pageants before, and we’d lost weight (otherwise known as getting whipped by a trainer named "Adolphus" - see early blog posts) before I got pregnant, but this was a whole different ballgame.  This wasn’t a “eat right and exercise for a month and you’ll look fine on stage in a swimsuit” kind of diet.  I had years of weight to lose…law school, desk job, baby weight and post-baby working mom weight.  It was daunting.  And, by the way, I have a bone to pick with whoever said I’d lose the baby weight breastfeeding.  (Unless they mean, “you’ll lose the weight actually put on a normal person from being pregnant” – not the weight you gain during pregnancy from being a cheese fry eating machine- they should be more clear).  Either way, I call BS on it.   it’s just a way to convince you to perform the tasks of a dairy cow…and I fell for it.  But, after a year, I realized I was no smaller.  Charlie was on his own.   I digress…         

Most people ask me, “what prompted you to do this?”  Easy answer:  Shame.  Since none of you are apparently good enough friends to tell me, straight up, that I was a fat ass, I had to figure it out on my own.  I started not recognizing myself in photographs - or in the mirror – that should have been enough.  Then, when saddle shopping, I realized my saddle size was unpopular – because most people don’t NEED that big of a size.  But, I waited until the full shame factor slapped me in the face.  Unfortunate set of facts #1:  Last spring, I was handling a trip/fall case at an apartment complex and during a case related telephone conference, the subject came up that the claimant was a “big ol’ fat woman.” She broke a concrete step.  She weighed less than me.  Unfortunate set of facts #2:  A few weeks later, I had another trip/fall case and my boss asked me “why do big women insist on wearing ridiculous high heels?”  I was also quite a bit larger than that Plaintiff….and looked under my desk, immediately after his comment, to admire my favorite Cole Haan pumps.  Then, the thought crossed my mind that apparently I was a former pageant girl in the body of a “big ol’ fat woman.”  Our old trainer used to say, “you’re not fat, you just need to ‘uncover your fine’”.  Yep…something like that.   

I think Jared was too sweet (this is an unusual occurrence for him, but he is sensitive to weight related issues, which I love about him) and Charlie just liked me “fluffy” for cuddling purposes.  I also blame my own blinders…I should have realized that when my family would say, “you’re pretty no matter what size you are,” I should have realized they were saying, “you’re a pretty fat girl.”  I missed the cues. But, friends, seriously??  You’ll tell me if I have broccoli in my teeth, baby spit up down the back of my shirt, a split in my pants, toilet paper on my shoe, or a run in my hose, but NONE OF YOU bothered to tell me I was FAT?  Thanks.  I’ll remember that the next time I see your fly unzipped.     

I’d heard some radio commercials about a local weight loss program, Slim 4 Life, so I called.  I knew I’d get a sales pitch, but as I told them when I went for my consultation, “I don’t care if you tell me to eat vanilla flavored dog crap and jump around with a monkey on my head…make me thin and I’ll do it!”  And, pound by pound, and week by week, they did!  I won’t go all infomercial on you, but basically, it’s a sensible program – veggies, fruits and lean protein.  I told them I’d eat right, but had minimal time to exercise (and preferred that my exercise be accomplished on the back of a horse, not in a gym).  I wanted to eat out some.  I wanted grocery store food.  They made all of that happen.  I won’t lie…it was expensive.  But, it WORKED.  I was hitting my milestones, staying motivated, and by Christmas, I was at goal weight.  70 pounds thinner and right at SIX full clothes sizes down.  Without giving away the details, I used to wear a size closer to my age…now I wear a size closer to Charlie’s age.  That rocks.   And, I rewarded myself with a pair of Dubarry boots and a new-to-me reining saddle in a popular seat size!  I’ve also had to replace 75% of my wardrobe (and threw in some new shoes and new chaps – 2 sizes smaller – for good measure).  The key to continued success:  I got rid of ALL of my larger clothes (all to wonderful charities). 

I’ve realized a couple of things on this journey:  (1) if you want to lose weight bad enough, you’ll make the sacrifices necessary and (2) weight loss really is a never-ending journey and DOES need to be a lifestyle change.  My goals were to go to the beach in May unafraid of wearing a swimsuit and to wear a “sexy” dress to my brother-in-law’s wedding.  DONE.  But, the Florida key lime pie and Kentucky wedding cake are still lingering, so it’s time to hit the program again. 

We’re three days back in and Jared was nearly in tears last night begging for a bowl of cereal around midnight.  I was not hungry, but still maintain that I’m the tougher one of the two of us.  I think Jared believes I’ve chosen to follow this nutrition plan for the sole purpose of secretly and slowly torturing him.  I’ll insert my sinister laugh here.  :-)

So...THE LONG AWAITED BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

                                        BEFORE:                                                          AFTER:



Left: Mandy's wedding in February 2012
Right: Jordan's wedding in June 2013

                                      BEFORE:                                                          AFTER:

Left: Memorial Day 2012
Right: Memorial Day 2013

Apparently, wearing a crown to work is frowned upon...

Around this time every year, I get SO sentimental and really miss wearing a crown!  The new Miss Rodeo Texas was just crowned, Miss Texas check-in is this weekend, and as fall rolls around, these lucky young women will be heading to Vegas and Atlantic City for Miss Rodeo America and Miss America, respectively.  (I know Miss USA was last week, but I have no personal experience with that one – I think I already have “education better”).    I’ve made a lot of wonderful memories in my life, but my pageant memories are some of the ones that I recall most vividly (that’s probably because they’re fairly recent and I can’t remember much else in my old age – haha!  For instance, I’ll never forget driving into Las Vegas with a trailer full of clothes, hats and boots, topping the hill overlooking all of the magnificent lights of the Vegas strip, and realizing that I was about to embark on an experience of a lifetime at Miss Rodeo America. I’ll never forget walking into the jousting arena at The Excalibur in Vegas for horsemanship realizing how few people get to ride there. 

And, I’ll never forget walking onto the Miss Texas stage for the first time, the smell of the dressing room (some combination of hairspray, fake tan and butt glue), and the chill of the rehearsal hall. My favorite is that instant on stage… standing still and seeing only darkness and near-blinding spotlights…all eyes in my direction… THE moment that I’d worked for, sweated for, and prepared for (feeling such tremendous excitement, confidence and pride in accomplishing so many personal goals)…it’s one of those moments in life where you try to soak in every millisecond knowing that you’ll never stand in that exact place ever again.  And then, I’d take a step forward or my music would start, and that moment would be gone forever only to remain as a memory.  (I know my pageant friends are smiling and nodding in their own sentimentality right now). 

I love that quote, “life isn’t about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.”  I think that’s what I miss most – the breathtaking moments!  So, I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to be more present in all aspects of my life…to let little moments take my breath away with Jared, Charlie and Jac (and maybe even work), and stop letting life pass so quickly. 

Maybe qualifying for the NRHA South Central Regional Affiliate Championships isn’t that big of a deal (honestly, I haven’t been reining long enough to know).  What I DO know is that seeing my name posted on the NRHA website took my breath away and I might have even shed a happy tear or two although I’d never fully admit to that (it’s 5 years in the making for me from deciding that I might want to stop eventing, making the transition, finding time to ride after baby, and then going through many moments of self doubt ..to knowing that I’m in the running (albeit with probably a couple hundred other extremely qualified horse/rider combinations) for THE Rookie of the Year.  We have a ton of homework, but we're heading to Tulsa!

I had a “moment” the other night eating ice cream with Charlie and realizing how fast the time is flying by with him and that he won’t be my “little man” forever.  I had a moment the other day when I was handed a case to handle and realizing how far I’ve come in my practice over the past few years.  And I heard some lyrics yesterday, “life’s a long and winding ride…better have the right one by your side,” and remembered how I need to cherish moments with my husband.      

It's hard sometimes with the hustle and bustle of life, daily frustrations and responsibilities, and things to distract me from my "moments."  So, if all else fails, I’ll just grab a glass of wine, kick off my heels, put on my crown, and remind everyone that, by damnit, I used to be the queen.  J    



Jac Smart a/k/a "CUPCAKE"

It’s been a couple of months since my last blog…I knew if I waited long enough, Jac or Charlie would do something to warrant another blog addition!  Jac wins the prize!  Jarvis always says that Jac’s lucky to have me, but sometimes I think it may be the other way around…Jac seems to keep teaching me more about life than he does about reining (hopefully the latter will continue to come together, too, as we move through the show season)!

I was out of town last week, so I was dying to ride Saturday (my first day off since I got back home).  Jarvis and/or Tyler rides him on Fridays as a tune up for me since I always ride on Saturdays, and Jac is usually good, but last Saturday, Jac was AMAZING!  He was focused, tuned, circling well, turning fast and smooth and stopping like a pro.  I almost thought I’d gotten on the wrong horse!   Have I made my point that he was AWESOME?   So, I decided to give him a mental break and take him for a hack…let him be a horse for a few minutes…put his feet on the grass…feel the fresh air in his mane (this is a concept very familiar to eventers, so I know my eventing friends are nodding in agreement).  My work routine for ALL of my event horses included a hack as a reward for good work.  So, off I went on Jac into the great grassy yonder that is the entrance to Green Valley Ranch. 

Jac quickly reminded me that hacking is NOT a familiar concept to him.  He put his feet on the grass and felt the breeze in his mane for about 30 seconds…just long enough for me to take a deep breath (and an obligatory FB picture - see above).  Then, all hell broke loose.  He caught sight of something (or nothing) and blew up like a four legged ginger bomb (see photo to the left).  I’m not sure how I stayed on his back (other than sheer luck and 30 years riding experience).  All I know is that it involved some spinning, bucking and bolting, and within about a quarter second, I was probably 200 feet away from where we started (and Jac was breathing like he just ran the Kentucky Derby).   The worst part, his eyes were still wide open and he was waiting on that invisible monster to attack us again.   (By this point, I’m having déjà-vu of him being afraid of the sprinklers when I first bought him. (See 1000 pound toddler blog post from 2011).  I’ll give Jac two things: (1) there is nothing wrong with his instinctual flight-response and (2) SO FAR, he’s always taken me with him on his escapes.   I hate to admit that as I got off (ok – not the best horsemanship move, but I need my head for work), I might have shed a couple of tears wondering why he has to do these things and scare me sometimes, why he can’t just be perfect - a horse that loves to show and loves to just be ridden around.  Then I realized that he’s mine for a reason, I love him despite his faults, and maybe it’s not the right time for THAT horse to come into my life.

A wise friend (thanks, Amy!) told me a story last week that’s really been sitting on my heart as I look at everything in my life.  (I love people with grateful hearts and she’s one of those people).  The gist of her story is that God’s plan for our lives is like baking a cake… some of the ingredients, alone, are pretty yucky, but God blends all those things together for the best possible story!  However, he doesn’t always give us the whole cake at one time…sometimes we just get a cupcake.  And, we just need to stick a candle in it, enjoy, and feel blessed!       

 

Saturday evening, I was watching an episode of “Inside Reining” that I’d recorded and saw a segment on Whizard Jac (for my non-horsey/reining friends, he was a VERY famous reining horse AND a full sister to Jac’s momma…which I guess in human terms makes him Jac’s uncle).  Conformation speaking, Jac is the spitting image of Whizard Jac.  Then, I remembered the little spot on the top of Jac’s tail that’s his daddy’s calling card (Jac’s sire, Smart Chic Olena is also a VERY famous reining sire). 

Then, I realized that I should be SO GRATEFUL for Jac, no matter what, because HE IS MY CUPCAKE.  I knew the switch from eventing to reining would be hard, but I knew it was the right thing for me and my family.  And, then, in perfect time, God found a WONDERFUL home for my big sweet Dually and within a week, put a beautiful, kind, healthy, sound, royally bred, and show-ready reining horse in my life (and he even fit into my *meager* budget).  I’m not ready for the full cake yet.  Jarvis says that everyone screws up their first reining horse…I know I'm no exception, so I’m glad to have Jac who seems to put up with me (we've even had a couple respectable outings this season)!    

So, “CUPCAKE” and I will be heading off to show again in a couple of weeks (maybe I’ll finally mark that 70 I’ve been after!)…he’s even toting Charlie around in a leadline class, which is icing on the cupcake. (pun intended).  J

Pilot Error: Goose-egg score becomes "full circle" moment!

I always take these long gaping breaks from blogging.  I’m not sure why because I really enjoy it and it’s so incredibly cathartic! Sorry this is so long, but it’s been over a year since my last post, so I’m allowed, right?  I'll take this one section of my life at a time and start with a horse update!

I try to make these posts humorous, and this is a little heavy, but I’ll try!  I’ve been having some moments lately where I feel like the little cartoon lady from that commercial with the cloud following me around – I’m fine, but it did dawn on me that lots of the “heavy *#%&@” in my life has happened to me in February.  It’s taken me a couple of days since the show this past weekend to debrief, but I think that after 16 years, I finally have my “groove” back!  And, a post from a FB friend yesterday made me realize that some of what I was feeling was overwhelming gratitude (Thanks Katherine!). 

Backstory:

A few weeks ago, I was honored with an Academy of Achievement award through the United States Pony Club for graduates who excel in their careers after leaving pony club.  Even better than the award was the opportunity to mentor some of the most amazing young people I’ve ever met during the National Youth Congress.  I was asked to give a speech (<=) about my life and career path and, for the first time in a LONG time, amidst this incredible opportunity, in telling my story, I had to re-live one of the worst days of my life…February 16, 1997…the day of my infamous riding accident. 

I don’t talk about the minute details of that day very often because it’s very, very hard for me.  I was a well trained rider on a lovely mare, but we were mis-matched.  After an unfortunate series of events, we crashed into a big cross-country fence and I landed about 30 feet away…like a lawn dart.  I don’t remember much else other than the long physical and mental recovery.  Remembering that day and all of the big dreams I left on that cross country course feels like a punch in the stomach, but I also realize that it’s brought me to where I am today.  (That was the focus of my speech….keep moving forward.)  After so many heartbreaks, I almost just hung up my spurs permanently.  Something just kept pulling me back, but it’s just never been the same to ride or to show…the love was there, but the passion was gone and I was trying desperately to get it back. 

When I decided to sell my dream event horse, Dually, in 2011 and make a huge leap of faith over to reining, I’m sure everyone thought I’d finally gone crazy (see post below!)!  I “liked” Jac, but I didn’t LOVE Jac at first (see Toddler post below).  We really didn’t bond at all until he hurt himself last year and I got to spend a little time with him every day for a month.  From there, as they say on “The Bachelor,” we started to “form a connection” and I really started “seeing a future with him”  (I know which of my friends are cracking up now!)  I enjoyed riding and I enjoyed showing, but more for the social interaction than the “fire” I used to have for it.  I hoped it would return with a win (or at least a feeling that I wasn’t embarrassing myself or making my trainer run away screaming), but even a near-win at the FW Stock Show this year didn’t give me that “spark.”  I’d eliminated the fear factor, but hadn’t regained the “butterflies.”

The epiphany:

So, as I always do, I tried again.  And, I scored a ZERO for an over-spin (I felt like a complete idiot, but I hear this is not an uncommon thing to happen to reiners – EVERYONE at the show shared their own over-spin stories, and as much as I SO appreciate the empathy, none of them really made me feel much better.  I still feel like I can’t count as well as my 2 year old).  You’d think that being disqualified this weekend might have been the nail in the coffin on my riding/showing.  But, that’s when the unexpected happened…I was ON FIRE!   After I counted to nine on Sunday (for my non-horse friends, I was supposed to stop spinning at 8), I spent about 10 seconds slapping myself inside, and then the next two minutes having more fun than I’ve had on a horse in the past 15 years!  EVERYTHING came together– I can’t put the feeling into words – it was incredible.  I can’t wait to ride and show Jac again.  I almost drove an hour and a half round trip to feed him a carrot.  I considered playing hookie from work Monday so I could ride again...  I’m back!   (I’m sure Jared is thrilled <insert sarcasm!> although he does say on his work biography that he enjoys the horses, so it must be true!) 

Sharing the credit:

I’ll probably never win anything big enough that I’d be allowed to give a speech.  But, if I could….

Thank you to my BOOM-PA (grandfather), God rest his soul, for being my best buddy and traveling partner over thousands and thousands of miles as I developed as a rider.  Thank you to my MOM for always reminding me that its important to have fun and to my AUNT for being a sounding board and comparing equestrian social & fashion notes with me.  Thank you to my husband JARED for supporting me in 2006 when I decided to pull out the gear and give eventing another go (and allowing me the physical, emotional and financial space to continue to ride, even though it isn’t always easy for our family), and accepting that horses are part of me.  Thank you to CHARLIE for giving up some time with me and allowing me to “re-charge” my soul on my horse so that I can hopefully be a better mom for it.  Thank you to my amazing non-horsey friends (especially BETSY!), who don’t always understand the crazy horse talk, but put up with me and love me anyway.  Thank you to my amazing firm for supporting my niche and encouraging my growth, personally and professionally.  Thank you to MARK COMBS for picking me up off the ground on the fateful day of my fall and reminding me that I was ALIVE and there’s “always another show.”  Thank you to MARY D’ARCY for helping me make the hard decision to stop eventing with her honest, professional and straight shooting Irish words.  Thank you to MISTY for being my IHSA Alumni travel buddy and to JOHN for the guidance during my equestrian identity crisis.  Thank you to my Pony Club family for accepting me as a cowgirl.  Thank you to MANDY, my BHFF (Best horsey friend forever) for, well, everything.  Thank you to JEFF for getting me started and for taking the time to help me find the PERFECT reining horse match for me (and to JEAN for breeding him!).  Thank you to JARVIS for starting such a WONDERFUL horse, for working with this fledgling reining team (that’s lower than green, right? Haha!) and for being so patient and kind to me during this learning process.  Thank you to STEPHANIE for walking me through my first shows and giving me so many laughs along the way.  And, thank you to the reining community as a whole for being so accepting of a newbie…what an incredible group of people.     

Moving forward:

I’ve been telling myself for years that I’m just competing for fun, but this weekend, I found the joy that I had as a teenager galloping around cross-country – the joy that will keep me on a horse for the next 35 years of my life.  I know there will be more bumps in the road than triumphs, more losses than wins, and more “sweat and tears than ribbons and cheers,” but that’s what this horse game is all about, right?  I’m just glad to be a part of it and glad to realize that the weight I was feeling lately was a fully grateful heart (and the bottle of wine it took to get over the over-spin)!  

  



I've been dressing like a hobo...

I'm now nearly 11 months post-partum.  I should be back to my pre-maternity size (should have been way long ago).  I shouldn't even consider wearing some of my maternity clothes, but I do.  I should dress sharp and look neat when I go to work.  But, every day when I look in the mirror, I so often think, "well, I'm not leaving the office today, and I feel like a hobo, but I'm comfortable."  I used to say "I dress like a homeless person," but I thought that was insensitive and I didn't want to insult folks who are down on their luck.  Hobo seemed more appropriate since they're more in charge of their circumstances and choose to live a hobo-lifestyle.  I guess that's what I'm doing right now?  

 

I've been looking back through a lot of old pageant pictures lately.  In that time of my life, I was well dressed, sharp, thin, tan, fit and always "put together."  I'd gained and lost weight over the years, but always felt like I looked nice when I left the house, whether I was going to ride, to work, or to lunch with friends.  I had stylish clothes, pretty shoes, and matching accessories.  I felt like a million bucks, even through much of the pregnancy (see maternity picture to right!).  

 

But, in March 2010, when I found out Charlie was on the way, I started my descent from pageant girl lawyer...to expectant mother... to new mother... to hobo.  I'd lost a lot of weight before I got pregnant, but due to some early complications, I couldn't work out (and eating anything remotely healthy made me want to toss my cookies).  So, for several months, I lived on Taco Bell, fruit (go figure?) and Outback cheese fries.  I cringed every time I stepped on the scale, but thought it would be ok because everyone told me I'd "lose all of the weight so easy when nursing" (NOT...that was a big load of crap!).  I felt like a hippo by the time I went into the hospital to meet the little man.  What I didn't expect was to feel like a hippo for quite some time afterward!  When I went back to work, I was still nursing, so out of ease and necessity, I became a big fan of the tank top/open cardigan combo.  It was easy access, covered my post-baby body, and with the right accessories, looked fairly stylish and professional (or so I thought).  Then, I encountered another post-pregnancy issue...my feet had gotten bigger and my toes hurt from all of the foot swelling at the end of my pregnancy.  So, I had to lose my pretty heels and resort to some shoes that resemble clod-hoppers (a small improvement from my Croc dress flats I wore during the pregnancy that Jared HATED).  Charlie was still waking up every three hours to eat during my first THREE months back to work.  Through the exhaustion, I thought I looked pretty good.  Luckily, I have very few pictures of myself during this time.

 

But, then the sleep deprivation haze wore off and on one fateful day, I took a good look in the mirror and realized I looked like a HOBO.  I was wearing granny shoes (or the good old faithful crocs), ill-fitting pants (that I later discovered had a spit up spot on the leg), a tank that seemed to accentuate my post-baby midsection, an open cardigan (complete with usual spot on my left shoulder where Charlie "hugs" me every morning), messy pony tail and bags under my eyes.  Even when I went to ride, I was wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts (not my usual sharp-er slim jeans and fitted polo).  I was NOT the picture of a glowing new mother OR former pageant queen OR equestrian athlete.  I was an overpaid HOBO.  Unfortunately, I was not motivated enough by the shocking image in the mirror, so nothing changed.   I've convinced myself that it's ok...I work long hours, have a house, husband, horse and child...I don't have time to work out and look nice.  I have to walk a lot, so it's ok to wear comfortable shoes.  And, I'm a new mom, so no one will notice the little slobber stain on my pants, right?     

 

Yesterday was a rough day, but I wore my favorite suit and shoes and I felt sharp again.  Today, I'm back to hobo, BUT today, I'm a hobo with Chi-straigtened hair and an urge to get an overdue eyebrow wax.  Baby steps, right?  I'm about four weeks back into weight watchers and it is working (even though most people haven't noticed including my husband)!  I'm determined to get back in shape and return, at least sometimes, to feeling like a badass in a sharp suit (or at least nice boots and jeans!)  And, I'd like to do that before the end of the year.  Now that I've said it, I'm asking my friends to please help me stay focused (and feel free to laugh and make jokes about me when I look like a hobo...it will keep me motivated), but please don't make fun of my shoes until I can find some more stylish kicks for these poor feet.  I'll pull out my Cole Haans when I need them.  :-) 

 

Lessons of the day:

(1) Life is too short to wear mommy jeans and ugly shoes.

(2) Tractor supply STILL doesn't carry baby food for my one stop shopping needs...aarrggh!

Saying goodbye to our hero

Some of you may have read my October 4 post about the passing of my friend, Kimi Agar.  Today, we laid our American hero to rest.  It’s always so hard to say goodbye and the service was all too familiar a feeling from three most untimely deaths in our family in 2004 and 2006.  But, through the sadness, my heart is filled with pride – for Kimi, for my “family” who came together in her honor and memory, and for a country that allows people to line the streets with flags and shut down highways to honor a fallen soldier. 

When I won Miss Longview Area, I didn’t realize the struggles I’d face with a new director to the system and the distance between my area and my home.  What I also didn’t realize was the incredible family I’d just been “crowned” into.  Before I won my local title, I’d also competed at Northeast Tarrant County and Plano.  I am so blessed that both of those pageant directors took me in “off the streets!”  Brenda, Leslie and Jan welcomed me into their homes, helped me with wardrobe, talent and interview…all the way to Miss Texas…and after.  I was also blessed that Kimi Agar was also part of the Northeast Tarrant County family.  So, during the countless hours I spent at the Harville’s house, some of those were also spent with Kimi.    

I’m proud to be a veteran of the Miss Texas Organization.  Even though I was only able to compete for one year (I was a geriatric pageant girl and aged out after my first year), it was a great year and I met some incredible people.  Through the highs and lows, it’s a family.  And, today, that family came together.  Bruce Wallace started the service with a heartfelt recitation of the Soldier’s Creed.  Terry Telligman spoke such a truth about how we all have different parts of our lives with different sets of friends… and that those pieces don’t always intersect.  And, then Christy Kibler touched my heart when she spoke today about how people go their separate ways and lose touch.  Today, I saw friends that I hadn’t seen in years and some that I’ve only “met” through our Facebook connections.  And, it made me realize how often that happens in life.  We get busy with work, children and life outside of whatever activity brought us together.  I’ve lost touch with high school friends, college friends, horse friends, work friends and pageant friends.  But… the best thing about true friends is that you can pick right back up where you left off – as if time hasn’t passed.  And today, we were all able to come together to honor Kimi.         

As I sat there today, I realized why I loved Kimi so much.  I’ve tried to be so sweet and use soft words, and I certainly hope this description doesn’t offend anyone, but the word that kept popping in my mind is “badass.”  She was beautiful beyond words, fierce, compassionate and kind.  She was a princess and a soldier.  She could wear a sparkly dress and heels and then trade them in for camo.  (I had to smile at a picture in the slideshow of her “pageant posing” in her fatigues).  In my “prime,” I used to ride my horse at full speed cross country and jump big things that don’t fall down.  I think that, at least for that period of my life, I was a badass.  And, I remember driving onto the base for my interview with Air Force JAG and feeling like a badass.  But, I took an office job, drive a safe car and compete now in a safer horse sport …I’ve lost that badass part of myself.  Kimi was the badass that I’d always wanted to be, she did things that I wasn’t brave enough to do, and although she was 8 years younger, I looked up to her with the utmost respect.  She was a little sister in this pageant family and I loved her.  

I’m sure she was looking down and smiling today at the overwhelming display of love, friendship and patriotism.  What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful soul.  Even though I’m not able to tell her in person, something I’ll always regret, I know Kimi will hear me when I say “I’m SO proud of you, Sgt. Agar.”                 

Meet Jac...my 1000 pound toddler.

Charlie is still an "infant."  But, I'm getting some practice on what's to come since I also have a toddler...my horse Jac Smart.  I've usually always had older horses that have been around the block and I tend to forget that Jac is still a toddler.  He's 4 years old.  At 2, he started working, and he was showing at 3, so he's been around the block, but he's never, until now, gotten a chance to be a toddler.  

 

Jac Smart as a baby

 

 

I'm beginning to think there's not a whole lot of difference in raising a horse or a human (my horse friends are probably laughing and my non-horse friends are gasping!)  I realized that we "horse people" use a lot of the same terminology for our babies, human and equine alike.  For instance, when I was pregnant, I used to accidentally say "when this baby is on the ground" ("when he's born" in human talk).  I cluck when I want things to go faster (i.e. the cars in front of me in traffic).  And, the other night, my trainer (who has a son 4 days younger than Charlie) was talking about their nightly bedtime routine and when their son isn't ready to go to bed, they just have to "lope him down" ("wear him out" in human talk).     

 

But, a couple of weeks ago, I discovered the main difference between raising a toddler human and a toddler horse.  When the toddler human sees something new or scary, they investigate or laugh or cry.  When a toddler horse sees something new, the new thing is automatically scary, and the toddler horse must flee from it as quickly as possible to avoid imminent death - even if the new thing is just a toy, peice of wood, or...say...beeping truck.  I also learned that the toddler horse can hurls his 1000 pound body directly sideways in about 1/100 of a second, leaving his "mommy" no chance to come along for the ride.  My recent fall was really my fault - I often forget that Jac is a toddler and let my guard down.  I never let my guard down on my Thoroughbreds, but Jac is a quarter horse and bred for a laid back temperment.  In fact, we even laughed that the big spook was an indication that "at least he did something fast!"  

 

Earlier this week, he accidentally stepped back and tore out a huge hunk of his tail.  For about the next five minutes, he went around the arena thrashing his tail around and flicking his ears (horse equivalent of yelling "OUCH!" "OUCH!" and sticking out his bottom lip) to make me feel terrible for allowing him to injure himself.  And, in true toddler fashion, a few minutes later, he completely forgot about his tail when he saw water sprinklers for the first time.  Before I even knew what hit us, that little black peice of plastic came out of the ground, the water turned on, and with the first "schoo-schoo-schooo" of the sprinkler, we were entirely across the arena in about three steps - luckily, he found it necessary to carry me with him on this emergency escape.  Don't get me wrong...he's a great horse.  He's just a toddler and his reactions to new things are not always calm and calculated.  When I bought him, he would spook in slow motion.  So, I guess he's learned something new.  Ggrreeaatt.   

 

Both of my babies test me.  Charlie tests us on how long we'll let him cry before we come to the rescue.  Jac decided that he didn't want to turn left this week.  Jac has also realized that when he poops, I run behind him and clean up.  So, it's a game to him now....I think he saves it up...and he drops no less than three "gifts" for me, always inside the barn.  I can see him secretly laughing at me as he watches me drag the muck bucket around and I think I heard him whisper "bet you feel like a big fancy lawyer now...shit scooper girl."   I'm not a patient person with many things, but I've always been patient with my horses and Charlie...but they sure put me to the test sometimes.  If horses, and children, will make you anything, they'll make you humble!         

 

 

Closing thoughts:

(1)  It's a good thing toddler horses don't wear diapers.  No Genie would contain that. 

(2)  If the feed store would carry Gerber, my life would be a lot simpler.