Claw and Order - The White Claw Phenomenon

Ever seen a fat girl drinking white claw? Think about it. I bet you can’t think of one.  And if you can’t, she may be a unicorn. White Claw is the big boob skinny girls on boats in bikinis drink. #amIright? Maybe I’m not- this is a generalization and stereotype. But you have to admit that someone who’s not worries about calories isn’t going to be drinking a gross, no taste, artificial flavor, get drunk seltzer water. 

Why? Because fluffy girls know what tastes good. That’s how we got this

way!  We know that margaritas, dacquiries,  Bellinis, and maybe a Whataburger chocolate milkshake spiked with peanut butter whiskey (I seriously thought I might have died and gone to heaven on that one so I included a picture!) are WHERE ITS AT. But “Apparently“ they are full of sugar (and milkshake) and that’s not good for the waistline. [eye roll].  If I wasn’t a believer, I’d wonder if there was a God in the midst of this cruelty. 

But I can’t drink white claw yet... I would feel like an imposter. It might even be some sort of law in Texas.  Did you know that in Texas, it's illegal to dust a public building with a feather duster, it's illegal to milk a stranger's cow, and it's illegal to shoot a buffalo from a second story window?  Glad I'm putting that expensive legal education to good use.  But I sure don't want to get arrested for "drinking White Claw while fluffy." 

So I do have some vodka/diet tonic and some “clean” (no sugar added) Scout & Cellar wine from my friend Ali (let me know if you want some- she can hook you up!). That’s a good compromise until I’m ready to put some boobs on display and get on a boat in a bikini...then I can proudly hold my white claw. Because NOT drinking is NOT an option. Did I mention I’m a lawyer, entrepreneur and hockey mom? That’s the trifecta that prevents me from being completely sober all the time. They already took away my cookies and Funyuns.