I always take these long gaping breaks from blogging. I’m not sure why because I really enjoy it and it’s so incredibly cathartic! Sorry this is so long, but it’s been over a year since my last post, so I’m allowed, right? I'll take this one section of my life at a time and start with a horse update!
I try to make these posts humorous, and this is a little heavy, but I’ll try! I’ve been having some moments lately where I feel like the little cartoon lady from that commercial with the cloud following me around – I’m fine, but it did dawn on me that lots of the “heavy *#%&@” in my life has happened to me in February. It’s taken me a couple of days since the show this past weekend to debrief, but I think that after 16 years, I finally have my “groove” back! And, a post from a FB friend yesterday made me realize that some of what I was feeling was overwhelming gratitude (Thanks Katherine!).
Backstory:
A few weeks ago, I was honored with an Academy of Achievement award through the United States Pony Club for graduates who excel in their careers after leaving pony club. Even better than the award was the opportunity to mentor some of the most amazing young people I’ve ever met during the National Youth Congress. I was asked to give a speech (<=) about my life and career path and, for the first time in a LONG time, amidst this incredible opportunity, in telling my story, I had to re-live one of the worst days of my life…February 16, 1997…the day of my infamous riding accident.
I don’t talk about the minute details of that day very often because it’s very, very hard for me. I was a well trained rider on a lovely mare, but we were mis-matched. After an unfortunate series of events, we crashed into a big cross-country fence and I landed about 30 feet away…like a lawn dart. I don’t remember much else other than the long physical and mental recovery. Remembering that day and all of the big dreams I left on that cross country course feels like a punch in the stomach, but I also realize that it’s brought me to where I am today. (That was the focus of my speech….keep moving forward.) After so many heartbreaks, I almost just hung up my spurs permanently. Something just kept pulling me back, but it’s just never been the same to ride or to show…the love was there, but the passion was gone and I was trying desperately to get it back.
When I decided to sell my dream event horse, Dually, in 2011 and make a huge leap of faith over to reining, I’m sure everyone thought I’d finally gone crazy (see post below!)! I “liked” Jac, but I didn’t LOVE Jac at first (see Toddler post below). We really didn’t bond at all until he hurt himself last year and I got to spend a little time with him every day for a month. From there, as they say on “The Bachelor,” we started to “form a connection” and I really started “seeing a future with him” (I know which of my friends are cracking up now!) I enjoyed riding and I enjoyed showing, but more for the social interaction than the “fire” I used to have for it. I hoped it would return with a win (or at least a feeling that I wasn’t embarrassing myself or making my trainer run away screaming), but even a near-win at the FW Stock Show this year didn’t give me that “spark.” I’d eliminated the fear factor, but hadn’t regained the “butterflies.”
The epiphany:
So, as I always do, I tried again. And, I scored a ZERO for an over-spin (I felt like a complete idiot, but I hear this is not an uncommon thing to happen to reiners – EVERYONE at the show shared their own over-spin stories, and as much as I SO appreciate the empathy, none of them really made me feel much better. I still feel like I can’t count as well as my 2 year old). You’d think that being disqualified this weekend might have been the nail in the coffin on my riding/showing. But, that’s when the unexpected happened…I was ON FIRE! After I counted to nine on Sunday (for my non-horse friends, I was supposed to stop spinning at 8), I spent about 10 seconds slapping myself inside, and then the next two minutes having more fun than I’ve had on a horse in the past 15 years! EVERYTHING came together– I can’t put the feeling into words – it was incredible. I can’t wait to ride and show Jac again. I almost drove an hour and a half round trip to feed him a carrot. I considered playing hookie from work Monday so I could ride again... I’m back! (I’m sure Jared is thrilled <insert sarcasm!> although he does say on his work biography that he enjoys the horses, so it must be true!)
Sharing the credit:
I’ll probably never win anything big enough that I’d be allowed to give a speech. But, if I could….
Thank you to my BOOM-PA (grandfather), God rest his soul, for being my best buddy and traveling partner over thousands and thousands of miles as I developed as a rider. Thank you to my MOM for always reminding me that its important to have fun and to my AUNT for being a sounding board and comparing equestrian social & fashion notes with me. Thank you to my husband JARED for supporting me in 2006 when I decided to pull out the gear and give eventing another go (and allowing me the physical, emotional and financial space to continue to ride, even though it isn’t always easy for our family), and accepting that horses are part of me. Thank you to CHARLIE for giving up some time with me and allowing me to “re-charge” my soul on my horse so that I can hopefully be a better mom for it. Thank you to my amazing non-horsey friends (especially BETSY!), who don’t always understand the crazy horse talk, but put up with me and love me anyway. Thank you to my amazing firm for supporting my niche and encouraging my growth, personally and professionally. Thank you to MARK COMBS for picking me up off the ground on the fateful day of my fall and reminding me that I was ALIVE and there’s “always another show.” Thank you to MARY D’ARCY for helping me make the hard decision to stop eventing with her honest, professional and straight shooting Irish words. Thank you to MISTY for being my IHSA Alumni travel buddy and to JOHN for the guidance during my equestrian identity crisis. Thank you to my Pony Club family for accepting me as a cowgirl. Thank you to MANDY, my BHFF (Best horsey friend forever) for, well, everything. Thank you to JEFF for getting me started and for taking the time to help me find the PERFECT reining horse match for me (and to JEAN for breeding him!). Thank you to JARVIS for starting such a WONDERFUL horse, for working with this fledgling reining team (that’s lower than green, right? Haha!) and for being so patient and kind to me during this learning process. Thank you to STEPHANIE for walking me through my first shows and giving me so many laughs along the way. And, thank you to the reining community as a whole for being so accepting of a newbie…what an incredible group of people.
Moving forward:
I’ve been telling myself for years that I’m just competing for fun, but this weekend, I found the joy that I had as a teenager galloping around cross-country – the joy that will keep me on a horse for the next 35 years of my life. I know there will be more bumps in the road than triumphs, more losses than wins, and more “sweat and tears than ribbons and cheers,” but that’s what this horse game is all about, right? I’m just glad to be a part of it and glad to realize that the weight I was feeling lately was a fully grateful heart (and the bottle of wine it took to get over the over-spin)!
