For the love of all thing “HOLEY.”

So I’ve been reporting to the dictator (my weight loss app), feeling guilty that I know better than how I’m eating, and convinced more water would help this journey. But do I change things? Nope. Why? Because I’m a stress eater. And we’ve been in hockey try out hell. I had a kid telling me he’s a “nervous wreck.” Work is nuts. And it was month end for 2 of my businesses... need more?  (I’m usually not a person that makes excuses, but “good gravy”!) 

So I decided to give myself some grace, get used to the app, fill the house with healthy foods, and be ready to really dive in Monday. (Why does Monday always feel like a better day to start something? Who knows...)

And why THIS Monday? I’ve put this off for years, why the rush?! 

Because of the “Holey” spirit. I asked God to give me a little willpower, a little kick in the Butt. And apparently he did while I wasn’t looking because after cruising around to the grocery store, the hockey rink, and the gas station, I came home, bent over to grab a knee hockey stick and Charlie yells “omg, mom, I can see your ass cheek!” 

Yep. My 9 year old said ass cheek. And what he said was TRUE. Total blow out. Like... my rockstar stretch skinny jeans were pissed. They were tired of being stretched to the limit. They gave in and gave out. Jared said “poor quality,” but I think they were just quitters. And I have no time in my life for quitters. So I threw those bitches in the trash and will survive in my jeggings until I can drop a size. Maybe my next pair will be more badass and supportive like “go girl- we gotcha- you can do this and we’ll be here with you ‘til we’re baggy in the ass” and less lazy valley girl “I’m tired, this sucks, life is hard.”  Quitters... 

I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened. It’s not. 

In my best golden girls Sophia voice... “picture it. Southlake, Texas. Christmas 2019....” We were headed to see Christmas lights with my in laws, my brother in law, and our hockey billet kid. I volunteered to ride in the BIL’s jacked up jeep. That, my friends, was a bad idea. The mount up was tricky and when I twisted, my old faithful favorite pair of jeans let me down. Luckily, we were 2 minutes from Old Navy... the promised land.  But I’ll never get the different renditions of “Moon River” And “O Holy Night” that were sung to me that night out of my head.

If a skinny chick rips her jeans, it’s like “oh you poor thing” and all the other skinny girls run to help.  I feel like the more weight one carries when this happens, the more judgmental tone falls on the “oh you poor thing” and your “fluffy friends” run to the mirror to check their own pants. 

I think I’m finally ready To start this diet. If the joint pain, immobility, shortness of breath and overall shock at what I’ve done to myself isn’t enough... the thought of displaying my white ass for the world to see through a denim window...IS.  Until then - never fear- I’ll wear sweats.

Will the App laugh at me?

So I decided to pull out all the stops this time and start using a weight loss app... because preparing to do something is one of my favorite hobbies. I love to organize and shop and plan... mostly for things that never come to fruition.  I have a gift basket business that never got off the ground, a domain for a website I never finished and brochures for a Ph.D. I never enrolled in. I overcommit. And then when I realize it and pull the plug on things, I feel like a quitter, which to me is way worse than a failure. 

I digress... back to the app.  So, I entered all of my info, had to get on the dreaded scale again and spent an hour filling out my profile for my “coach.”  It said the “coach” will be in touch tomorrow. Great! One more day to eat what I want! So I had a doozy of a day. And then it happened. I got an alert to remind me to track my food. WTF? I just started today!  Don’t I get like a send off party for my thighs? 

So, with Charlie’s help, we retracted my food steps for the day... and my son proceeded to die laughing and say “I wonder if the app will laugh at you too because it sure doesn’t look like you’re on a diet.” And after smacking his head and telling him he’s a mini asshole, I wondered... will it scold me?  Luckily, it just reminded me to make better choices.  I can accept that. 

It's like Deja-vu...all over again... Weight loss journey No. 3 hereby commences.

I just re-read years of my own blogs...the struggle, the triumph, and my own statement that "I'm never going back."  But, I did.  I gained a lot of my weight back.  And, here I go again.  I'm mad at myself for having to "begin again," but I'll table that for another day.  I'm in action mode.  And, for some reason, blogging about it makes the process more tolerable (and it's been way too long!). And, I love that I've inspired a couple of people along the way.  So, let's raise a glass (of water - no more "mommy-juice" for me for a little while) and toast to weight loss journey 2015!  

As for life since August 2013...a lot has changed.  

I need this outfit...and maybe a pink saddle

First, the good stuff:  I sold my horse Jac Smart to a teenager who adores him - they're kicking butt and taking names in the cowhorse world.  And, last fall, I found my equine soul mate, TimberZak.  I call him my "Barbie dream horse." He's a big handsome blonde with a puppy-dog personality.  And, we recently won our first World title together.  I know most people only get one "horse of a lifetime," and I had Joker, but Zak is really winning my heart (and making me think I may be a lucky person who gets two horses of a lifetime). Charlie is growing like a weed and is as handsome and spunky as ever - he's the best of both me and Jared...with some quirky little traits oddly akin to his late great-grandfathers, who we know are both smiling down on him. Jared still tolerates all of us...even Zak! (And those of you who know Jared know that this horse must be seriously special to be accepted by our anti-horse Johnson family patriarch).        

Former boss - the devil...wearing Prada....

Now, the bad (aka blessing in disguise)...To make a very long story short, the "dream job" at the insurance company was a nightmare that I endured for almost a year, the boss-lady was a nightmare, and the work environment was a nightmare.  So, I ate my feelings.  Then, I ended up in a great work situation at a well-respected firm (back in Dallas), but there's a lot of traveling....and free food.  So, I ate the free food.  And, there's a lot more responsibility at the current job...and stress makes me eat.  So, I ate the stress.  See the theme here? Unfortunately, the seams on my pants are paying for my culinary indiscretions.  I was at a cross-roads:  Keep it up, suck it up, and buy bigger clothes OR...do something about it.  So, since I can't seem to find and kill the gremlins in my closet that sew my clothes tighter each night, I'd better get back on the bandwagon.      

I'll own it.  I've been making excuses..  I DO have time to work out (if I put down Facebook for a few extra minutes).  I CAN eat better on the road (even though I did get some serious road-warrior street cred for taking down an entire meal from Pappadeaux - including buttered bread! - while driving up the highway...I'm still pretty proud of myself for that one).  I have to do this for myself because there's no worse feeling in the world than the feeling that you're not living to your potential.  I'm not riding as well, I'm not as confident in my court attire, I'm not the healthy wife/mom Jared and Charlie deserve.  And, once I hit "publish" on this blog, I have a huge network of accountability.  So, weight loss journey 3 commences today.  

 

Already, I've realized the importance of not getting too ambitious too soon.  I meal-prepped yesterday for the week.  My over-zealous self decided not to stick to the ordinary broccoli and green beans that allowed 

Friends do not let friends eat steamed kale

me to survive weight loss journey No. 2.  I wanted to over-achieve.  I wanted to be created.  I wanted to incorporate some "super-foods."  And, in doing so, I discovered the nastiest excuse for food in the history of food (this one may, in fact, top the Body for Life brownies that we turned into dog treats).  Two words: steamed kale.  It looked beautiful...all bright green and leafy, even in its wilted state.  It told me it would be good for my body, but it lied.  It made me gag.  But I didn't fail.  I just tossed the slimy lump of pungent greens in the trash and crossed that off my list of acceptable diet foods while I choked down experiment number 2...roasted (and then re-heated) asparagus.  I know now that "if it aint broke, don't fix it" applies to food.  I never thought I'd look forward to steamed broccoli!    

I wish this was funny, and maybe I'll post a video of me slapping the shit out of myself for every single bite of unhealthy crap I've imbibed over the past two years - THAT would be funny - like my very own diet version of Jackass. But, if I've learned one thing over the years, there's only ONE way to do this...no pills or powder or other fad crap...just healthy food, portion control, and moving my body around.  So, if you're a true friend, feel free to publicly shame me if you see me sitting too long, eating too much, or taking a bite of anything un-healthy (and if you're local, you have permission to slap the cookie out of my hand).  

Giving up my "super commuter" badge...and other career changes.

This Friday, I officially retire as a "road warrior." 

Good news!  I've accepted a position as Associate General Counsel at US Lloyds Insurance! I'm very excited about the new opportunity - lots of benefits, "normal" hours, no billables, lots of trial experience, and close to home!!  It's an incredible step forward and I'm excited beyond words to be home with Charlie and Jared for dinner every night! 

But, after almost 8 years, I'm leaving Touchstone Bernays.  The decision was excruciating.  Touchstone is, by far, one of the most well respected insurance defense firms in Dallas and carries such a long tradition of success and good lawyers.  I've been honored to be a part of the Touchstone family for all of these years and the graciousness they've shown me through this transition has reminded me why I've always been proud to call Touchstone home. 

Since I started at Touchstone, I've gone through three cars (and luckily no accidents and only 1 speeding

ticket!) and driven around 185,000 miles (not including trips to destinations other than Dallas). I've spent over 6,000 hours (that's about 254 days!) commuting on the road with about a million idiot drivers.  My current car, "Ingrid #2" (Apparently, I loved Ingrid #1 a little too much - I replaced her with EXACTLY the same car, 2 years newer, hence Ingrid #2, but I digress...) helped me make the decision to stop the madness.  She's tired.  She already had to take over for "Gretel" and "Ingrid #1."   She's too young to feel this old.  And, after a two week stint in the shop with a near miss on having a new transmission and a windshield scarred from the rock trucks on the highway, I'm showing her mercy.  She'll now tote me 6 miles each way to my new office where she can bask in the sunshine as I drive a company car around town.  I think I saw her dance around in excitement like one of the characters from "Cars!"

All that being said, I'm sad, too. Each step of the packing process has been sad and my office looks sad now that it's all boxed up and packed.  I was convinced I was going to live out the rest of my days as a lawyer, and eventually partner, at Touchstone.  It's hard to reach such an unexpected fork in the road and choose the road less traveled.  Change is hard.  And, this all happened SO fast.  I wasn't looking, but for some reason, stumbled upon this opportunity.  For some reason, it was an easy process, and for some reason, they picked me!  I like to think that the reasons for all of this is that it was just "meant to be."  I saw something on FB the other day, "Your life may have taken a detour, but God is still on the throne. He has brought you this far, and sooner or later, your peace will be restored."  I know God has placed me at this point in my life and that I'm just accepting a blessing - he's given me more time with my family.  

I've been blessed to have the best boss in the world for all of these years.  Rocky has taught me so much and I'll be forever grateful.  He's a genius (he was even on Jeopardy and served as a "phone a friend" lifeline on Millionaire!) and one of the most incredible lawyers I've ever known - brilliant strategist and masterful in front of a jury.  He's been a friend and father figure to me, too, and was the first person outside our family to hold Charlie when he was born, which will always be special to me.  He's also a jokester and prides himself on some of the ones he's pulled on me - apparently I can be gullible (ok...so he convinced me that I was naming my baby boy after a serial killer from England.  I only spent about a half a day on the internet before I realized he was kidding).  "Team Feemster" (Rocky, Lisa, Wendy and Me) is a well oiled machine.  I hate to put a wrench in that - no pun intended!  But, they've been wonderful about all of this and I hope I've made the transition easy.  Rocky has flattered me saying I'm not going to be easy to replace.  I'm humbled, although, as I declared (in a very "Legally Blonde" moment the other day when I struck some sort of awkward pageant pose in Rocky's office), "you can't find this kind of fabulous just anywhere!"

I won't let Ingrid #2 get lazy.  I'm still a road warrior on the weekends - Jarvis and Eric have Jac going too well for me to leave right now! But, Jac, the Tulsa show, and all of that are another story for another day!

So, as I reach the end of my road as a Touchstone lawyer in three more days, I'll sign off with the 5 "trial lawyer" rules I learned at Touchstone (passed down from the late Webber Beall, to Rocky, to me):(1) wear a white shirt, (2) shine your shoes, (3) zip your fly, (4) memorize the juror's names, and (5) always have the facts on your side.  :-) 

MJ

My weight loss journey a/k/a "Shame and the 17 inch reining saddle"

Well, this week marks the one year anniversary of my weight loss adventure.  I lost 2 toddlers in 9 months (well, not literally, of course, but the weight of 2…ok nevermind – bad analogy)… I lost SEVENTY POUNDS.  I’ve waited months to write this “anniversary” post…and during those months, I unfortunately found a few of the pounds I lost.  But, that’s ok.  For the most part, I’m in check and holding fairly steady.  And, I’ve promised myself to never go back to “that place” again.  So, I went back on my “healthy lifestyle” this week.  Jared is joining me this time (he’s three days in and I think he’s sprouting horns, but I’ll feed him carbs tomorrow and he’ll be happier).    

I’d lost weight for pageants before, and we’d lost weight (otherwise known as getting whipped by a trainer named "Adolphus" - see early blog posts) before I got pregnant, but this was a whole different ballgame.  This wasn’t a “eat right and exercise for a month and you’ll look fine on stage in a swimsuit” kind of diet.  I had years of weight to lose…law school, desk job, baby weight and post-baby working mom weight.  It was daunting.  And, by the way, I have a bone to pick with whoever said I’d lose the baby weight breastfeeding.  (Unless they mean, “you’ll lose the weight actually put on a normal person from being pregnant” – not the weight you gain during pregnancy from being a cheese fry eating machine- they should be more clear).  Either way, I call BS on it.   it’s just a way to convince you to perform the tasks of a dairy cow…and I fell for it.  But, after a year, I realized I was no smaller.  Charlie was on his own.   I digress…         

Most people ask me, “what prompted you to do this?”  Easy answer:  Shame.  Since none of you are apparently good enough friends to tell me, straight up, that I was a fat ass, I had to figure it out on my own.  I started not recognizing myself in photographs - or in the mirror – that should have been enough.  Then, when saddle shopping, I realized my saddle size was unpopular – because most people don’t NEED that big of a size.  But, I waited until the full shame factor slapped me in the face.  Unfortunate set of facts #1:  Last spring, I was handling a trip/fall case at an apartment complex and during a case related telephone conference, the subject came up that the claimant was a “big ol’ fat woman.” She broke a concrete step.  She weighed less than me.  Unfortunate set of facts #2:  A few weeks later, I had another trip/fall case and my boss asked me “why do big women insist on wearing ridiculous high heels?”  I was also quite a bit larger than that Plaintiff….and looked under my desk, immediately after his comment, to admire my favorite Cole Haan pumps.  Then, the thought crossed my mind that apparently I was a former pageant girl in the body of a “big ol’ fat woman.”  Our old trainer used to say, “you’re not fat, you just need to ‘uncover your fine’”.  Yep…something like that.   

I think Jared was too sweet (this is an unusual occurrence for him, but he is sensitive to weight related issues, which I love about him) and Charlie just liked me “fluffy” for cuddling purposes.  I also blame my own blinders…I should have realized that when my family would say, “you’re pretty no matter what size you are,” I should have realized they were saying, “you’re a pretty fat girl.”  I missed the cues. But, friends, seriously??  You’ll tell me if I have broccoli in my teeth, baby spit up down the back of my shirt, a split in my pants, toilet paper on my shoe, or a run in my hose, but NONE OF YOU bothered to tell me I was FAT?  Thanks.  I’ll remember that the next time I see your fly unzipped.     

I’d heard some radio commercials about a local weight loss program, Slim 4 Life, so I called.  I knew I’d get a sales pitch, but as I told them when I went for my consultation, “I don’t care if you tell me to eat vanilla flavored dog crap and jump around with a monkey on my head…make me thin and I’ll do it!”  And, pound by pound, and week by week, they did!  I won’t go all infomercial on you, but basically, it’s a sensible program – veggies, fruits and lean protein.  I told them I’d eat right, but had minimal time to exercise (and preferred that my exercise be accomplished on the back of a horse, not in a gym).  I wanted to eat out some.  I wanted grocery store food.  They made all of that happen.  I won’t lie…it was expensive.  But, it WORKED.  I was hitting my milestones, staying motivated, and by Christmas, I was at goal weight.  70 pounds thinner and right at SIX full clothes sizes down.  Without giving away the details, I used to wear a size closer to my age…now I wear a size closer to Charlie’s age.  That rocks.   And, I rewarded myself with a pair of Dubarry boots and a new-to-me reining saddle in a popular seat size!  I’ve also had to replace 75% of my wardrobe (and threw in some new shoes and new chaps – 2 sizes smaller – for good measure).  The key to continued success:  I got rid of ALL of my larger clothes (all to wonderful charities). 

I’ve realized a couple of things on this journey:  (1) if you want to lose weight bad enough, you’ll make the sacrifices necessary and (2) weight loss really is a never-ending journey and DOES need to be a lifestyle change.  My goals were to go to the beach in May unafraid of wearing a swimsuit and to wear a “sexy” dress to my brother-in-law’s wedding.  DONE.  But, the Florida key lime pie and Kentucky wedding cake are still lingering, so it’s time to hit the program again. 

We’re three days back in and Jared was nearly in tears last night begging for a bowl of cereal around midnight.  I was not hungry, but still maintain that I’m the tougher one of the two of us.  I think Jared believes I’ve chosen to follow this nutrition plan for the sole purpose of secretly and slowly torturing him.  I’ll insert my sinister laugh here.  :-)

So...THE LONG AWAITED BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

                                        BEFORE:                                                          AFTER:



Left: Mandy's wedding in February 2012
Right: Jordan's wedding in June 2013

                                      BEFORE:                                                          AFTER:

Left: Memorial Day 2012
Right: Memorial Day 2013

Apparently, wearing a crown to work is frowned upon...

Around this time every year, I get SO sentimental and really miss wearing a crown!  The new Miss Rodeo Texas was just crowned, Miss Texas check-in is this weekend, and as fall rolls around, these lucky young women will be heading to Vegas and Atlantic City for Miss Rodeo America and Miss America, respectively.  (I know Miss USA was last week, but I have no personal experience with that one – I think I already have “education better”).    I’ve made a lot of wonderful memories in my life, but my pageant memories are some of the ones that I recall most vividly (that’s probably because they’re fairly recent and I can’t remember much else in my old age – haha!  For instance, I’ll never forget driving into Las Vegas with a trailer full of clothes, hats and boots, topping the hill overlooking all of the magnificent lights of the Vegas strip, and realizing that I was about to embark on an experience of a lifetime at Miss Rodeo America. I’ll never forget walking into the jousting arena at The Excalibur in Vegas for horsemanship realizing how few people get to ride there. 

And, I’ll never forget walking onto the Miss Texas stage for the first time, the smell of the dressing room (some combination of hairspray, fake tan and butt glue), and the chill of the rehearsal hall. My favorite is that instant on stage… standing still and seeing only darkness and near-blinding spotlights…all eyes in my direction… THE moment that I’d worked for, sweated for, and prepared for (feeling such tremendous excitement, confidence and pride in accomplishing so many personal goals)…it’s one of those moments in life where you try to soak in every millisecond knowing that you’ll never stand in that exact place ever again.  And then, I’d take a step forward or my music would start, and that moment would be gone forever only to remain as a memory.  (I know my pageant friends are smiling and nodding in their own sentimentality right now). 

I love that quote, “life isn’t about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.”  I think that’s what I miss most – the breathtaking moments!  So, I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to be more present in all aspects of my life…to let little moments take my breath away with Jared, Charlie and Jac (and maybe even work), and stop letting life pass so quickly. 

Maybe qualifying for the NRHA South Central Regional Affiliate Championships isn’t that big of a deal (honestly, I haven’t been reining long enough to know).  What I DO know is that seeing my name posted on the NRHA website took my breath away and I might have even shed a happy tear or two although I’d never fully admit to that (it’s 5 years in the making for me from deciding that I might want to stop eventing, making the transition, finding time to ride after baby, and then going through many moments of self doubt ..to knowing that I’m in the running (albeit with probably a couple hundred other extremely qualified horse/rider combinations) for THE Rookie of the Year.  We have a ton of homework, but we're heading to Tulsa!

I had a “moment” the other night eating ice cream with Charlie and realizing how fast the time is flying by with him and that he won’t be my “little man” forever.  I had a moment the other day when I was handed a case to handle and realizing how far I’ve come in my practice over the past few years.  And I heard some lyrics yesterday, “life’s a long and winding ride…better have the right one by your side,” and remembered how I need to cherish moments with my husband.      

It's hard sometimes with the hustle and bustle of life, daily frustrations and responsibilities, and things to distract me from my "moments."  So, if all else fails, I’ll just grab a glass of wine, kick off my heels, put on my crown, and remind everyone that, by damnit, I used to be the queen.  J    



Jac Smart a/k/a "CUPCAKE"

It’s been a couple of months since my last blog…I knew if I waited long enough, Jac or Charlie would do something to warrant another blog addition!  Jac wins the prize!  Jarvis always says that Jac’s lucky to have me, but sometimes I think it may be the other way around…Jac seems to keep teaching me more about life than he does about reining (hopefully the latter will continue to come together, too, as we move through the show season)!

I was out of town last week, so I was dying to ride Saturday (my first day off since I got back home).  Jarvis and/or Tyler rides him on Fridays as a tune up for me since I always ride on Saturdays, and Jac is usually good, but last Saturday, Jac was AMAZING!  He was focused, tuned, circling well, turning fast and smooth and stopping like a pro.  I almost thought I’d gotten on the wrong horse!   Have I made my point that he was AWESOME?   So, I decided to give him a mental break and take him for a hack…let him be a horse for a few minutes…put his feet on the grass…feel the fresh air in his mane (this is a concept very familiar to eventers, so I know my eventing friends are nodding in agreement).  My work routine for ALL of my event horses included a hack as a reward for good work.  So, off I went on Jac into the great grassy yonder that is the entrance to Green Valley Ranch. 

Jac quickly reminded me that hacking is NOT a familiar concept to him.  He put his feet on the grass and felt the breeze in his mane for about 30 seconds…just long enough for me to take a deep breath (and an obligatory FB picture - see above).  Then, all hell broke loose.  He caught sight of something (or nothing) and blew up like a four legged ginger bomb (see photo to the left).  I’m not sure how I stayed on his back (other than sheer luck and 30 years riding experience).  All I know is that it involved some spinning, bucking and bolting, and within about a quarter second, I was probably 200 feet away from where we started (and Jac was breathing like he just ran the Kentucky Derby).   The worst part, his eyes were still wide open and he was waiting on that invisible monster to attack us again.   (By this point, I’m having déjà-vu of him being afraid of the sprinklers when I first bought him. (See 1000 pound toddler blog post from 2011).  I’ll give Jac two things: (1) there is nothing wrong with his instinctual flight-response and (2) SO FAR, he’s always taken me with him on his escapes.   I hate to admit that as I got off (ok – not the best horsemanship move, but I need my head for work), I might have shed a couple of tears wondering why he has to do these things and scare me sometimes, why he can’t just be perfect - a horse that loves to show and loves to just be ridden around.  Then I realized that he’s mine for a reason, I love him despite his faults, and maybe it’s not the right time for THAT horse to come into my life.

A wise friend (thanks, Amy!) told me a story last week that’s really been sitting on my heart as I look at everything in my life.  (I love people with grateful hearts and she’s one of those people).  The gist of her story is that God’s plan for our lives is like baking a cake… some of the ingredients, alone, are pretty yucky, but God blends all those things together for the best possible story!  However, he doesn’t always give us the whole cake at one time…sometimes we just get a cupcake.  And, we just need to stick a candle in it, enjoy, and feel blessed!       

 

Saturday evening, I was watching an episode of “Inside Reining” that I’d recorded and saw a segment on Whizard Jac (for my non-horsey/reining friends, he was a VERY famous reining horse AND a full sister to Jac’s momma…which I guess in human terms makes him Jac’s uncle).  Conformation speaking, Jac is the spitting image of Whizard Jac.  Then, I remembered the little spot on the top of Jac’s tail that’s his daddy’s calling card (Jac’s sire, Smart Chic Olena is also a VERY famous reining sire). 

Then, I realized that I should be SO GRATEFUL for Jac, no matter what, because HE IS MY CUPCAKE.  I knew the switch from eventing to reining would be hard, but I knew it was the right thing for me and my family.  And, then, in perfect time, God found a WONDERFUL home for my big sweet Dually and within a week, put a beautiful, kind, healthy, sound, royally bred, and show-ready reining horse in my life (and he even fit into my *meager* budget).  I’m not ready for the full cake yet.  Jarvis says that everyone screws up their first reining horse…I know I'm no exception, so I’m glad to have Jac who seems to put up with me (we've even had a couple respectable outings this season)!    

So, “CUPCAKE” and I will be heading off to show again in a couple of weeks (maybe I’ll finally mark that 70 I’ve been after!)…he’s even toting Charlie around in a leadline class, which is icing on the cupcake. (pun intended).  J